Random Statistics. Power Rankings Soon.

Qatar Season 5 Dream Team

The Qatar Division crowned a new champion for its fifth season, with Oranje winning the title comfortably and breaking the dominance of the Trollchester United dynasty. There was much drama during the campaign, which was incidentally one of the most, if not the most competitive of /sp/ League's history.

In this edition of the Gazzetta dello /sp/, we take a look at the Best Eleven of the top division. The team selection was decided by the same super computer used to generate the BCS rankings, and therefore cannot be contested.

Goalkeeper:

Thomas Fischer (Aussie Basements FC)

The Bogans' keeper has been one of the only consistent performers for the Aussie Basements in a nightmare season for them. With 6 X11 selections to his name, he was largely responsible for the team's 6 game unbeaten run. Do not be fooled by the number of goals he conceded this season; his defenders haven't been making it easy for him.

Defenders:

Byron Neagle (Oranje)

Mr. Consistent. Neagle has featured in all of Oranje's games during their winning campaign, with his lowest player rating being an 8 which came in the only game he was booked. Otherwise, Neagle has put in stellar performances week-in week out, even providing the attacking spark on a few occasions (2 assists). He is no doubt one of the biggest contributors to his team's championship.

Tacettin Kologlu (Bzzz AFC)

One might seriously wonder how a defender on a team that conceded 25 goals in 14 games could be in the Best Eleven. When asked about his inclusion in the Dream Team, Kologlu only responded with the word "Ball". That explained everything. Kologlu might be on a team with an overall shit tier defense but he sure can make some plays once the >ball is at his feet.

Wilson Connor (Trollchester United) - MVP

Trollchester United conceded only 6 goals this season. Not even the runaway champions Oranje came close to this impressive record. It therefore goes without saying that the Trolls possess the best defensive unit of the division. Wilson Connor is the youngest one in this unit; he is arguably the best, as well. With a league-high 9 X11 selections, the 24 year old has been one of the outstanding performers this season. The scary part is he can only improve from here.

Midfielders:

Leonard McAuley (Bzzz AFC)

McAuley is the type of midfielder any manager would want in their team. He can both score goals and provide them (3 goals, 4 assists) which makes him one of the top playmakers in Qatar. He had some disciplinary issues during the campaign but even that could not stop us from putting him in the Best Eleven. That is how good he is.

Nicolas McCauley (Oh the Lulz)

No, he is not related to Leonard McAuley - at least not to our knowledge - but he can certainly be seen to be as good as his (almost) namesake. Four of his five goals this season were scored from free-kicks, reinforcing his reputation as the premier set-piece specialist in the division. Bzzz AFC will not disagree with this assessment.

Matthew Gareth (Bzzz AFC)

When people talk about Bzzz AFC's midfield, they often forget Matthew Gareth. After all, he plays with one of the best playmakers in the division in Leonard McAuley so he can sometimes be overshadowed by his older team mate. However, Gareth is just as important to the Bzzz midfield. With the opposition generally focusing on McAuley, it is usually up to Gareth to step up and control the game for Bzzz. And he rarely disappoints.

Stuart Austin (Aussie Basements FC)

In one of his press conferences, Bogan manager Joselol attributed his team's slow start to the season to the poor fitness level of his star midfielder, Stuart Austin. This shows how important a piece he is to the Aussie Basements team. Runner-up for the MVP trophy last season, Austin sometimes showed the same moments of brilliance this season, even though it was not enough to help his team stay up.

Forwards:

Nikolai Nesmachny (Mild-Mannered Men)

It is maybe pointless to introduce Nesmachny. The guy is already a legend and probably a lock for the Hall of Fame. He is one of the most prolific scorers of the league (46 goals in 80 games) and this season was no different. Nesmachny terrorized opposition's defenses with 10 goals in 14 games, helping his team to a respectable 3rd place finish.

Giuliano Rossi (Bzzz AFC)

Rossi may not score a lot for a striker but he is still an invaluable member of his team. As if guys like McAuley and Gareth were not good enough, Rossi adds another creative spark to Bzzz AFC's attack (4th best in Qatar despite being relegated). Giuliano Rossi is also one of the best divers in the league by virtue of his Italian genes. Ability to cheat: a major asset in any striker's arsenal.

Earl Chillingworth (Oh the Lulz)

You can laugh at his zero goals this season, just like it is okay to laugh at the Rooney: 0 goals, Torres: 0 goals and Messi: 0 goals images floating around the press. However, just like these players, the "Earl of Chillingworth" makes his team better just by being on the pitch. His team mates feed off his super charisma and positive energy, and that alone justifies his inclusion in the Qatar Dream Team.

Substitutes/Honorable mentions:

Dennis Gianasia (Forward - Trollchester United)

Gianasia's stat sheet this season: 11 goals and 3 assists. Impressive to say the least. His omission from the first XI might be seen as a travesty but given the accuracy of the super computer (same one which determines the Junior Handegg rankings), there should be no controversy.

Dermot Pertwee (Goalkeeper - Oranje)

Oranje can be lucky to have a goalkeeper like Pertwee. This season, he posted a mind-blowing 82% save percentage, making the already impermeable Oranje defense almost impossible to break through. Aussie Basements manager Joselol still hates Pertwee for singlehandedly denying his team an upset win.

Mathew Gillett (Midfielder - Strong Island)

The lack of Strong Island players in the Dream Team is not an insult to the runners-up quality but more of an indication of how balanced their team is. Among those players, however, Mathew Gillett is the standout performer. His 4 goals and 2 assists this season may not necessarily show the full extent of his influence on his team.

Clark Folan (Midfielder - Bzzz AFC)

Another Bzzz AFC midfield magician. Scoring 8 goals from midfield is extremely impressive and this is exactly what Folan did in Season 5. His influence on the game may not be as big as McAuley's or Gareth's, but ask any manager if they would love a free-scoring midfielder like Folan. The answer would surely be yes.

Simão Peres (Defender - Trollchester United)

If a team concedes only 6 goals the whole season, their defenders must be good. Peres fits the description of good defender. Along with Wilson Connor, he marshaled the Trolls' backline, which was as stingy as a jew in the past campaign.

Qatar Divison: Midseason Update / Betting Odds

We've just passed the midseason fixtures flip and this season in the Qatar Division is shaping up to be, by far, the most competitive in the history of the /sp/ League's top tier. With tie games dominating the landscape, overall point totals are relatively low and no one is mathematically out of the running just yet. Despite the relative parity, though, some teams are managing to separate themselves from the massive clusterfuck and look to be gaining momentum for the second half of the season. Meanwhile, the fight to escape relegation is looking like it's gonna' be a brutal no-holds-barred slugfest. Here's how things are shaping up, along with the the Gazzetta's odds for who has the best shot to take the title and who looks like they are destined for the drop...


The Title Contenders

Oranje (1st place, 16pts, +13 GD, odds for title - 3:1)

This team is starting to look like the real deal. Veterans Carlo Guarneri and Margrott Sidwell are teaming up with young studs Mark van Bommel and Ingi Sigfurson to absolutely devastating effect. Oranje doesn't just have the most points, they lead the division in goals scored and goal differential, too. Four of the top seven players on the points scored table are on Oranje; how's that for a dominant statistic? At this point, the team that won /sp/ League's first ever championship is in great shape to snag a second title.


Mild-Mannered Men (2nd place, 14pts, +6 GD, odds for title - 4:1)

As the only other undefeated team in Qatar, MMM is once again proving to be a legit title contender. All-time leading goal scorer Nikolai Nesmachny is once again having a stellar season with his [tied for] league-leading 6 goals and has been getting excellent service from midfielders Amado Villas, Joromir Adler, and Bernardo Ariza. Back-to-back wins against Oh The Lulz have helped this team find their form and it's looking like they've escaped their early-season sluggishness with a pair of convincing victories. When it comes time to pick a favorite to win it all, don't count these guys out.


Trollchester United (3rd place, 13pts, +11GD, odds for the title - 6:1)

The defending champs are still in the chase, but at times, things have looked a bit shaky. Fortunately for United, Dennis Gianasia is back to his outstanding form of a couple seasons ago and he's once again leading the league in scoring. An old and creaky roster is being boosted by the energy of younger players such as GK Benjamin Clark, M Rax Grissman, and F Joran van der Sloot, but how long can these young guns keep propping up the old vets? Right now, Trollchester has to be way more consistent in getting victories than they've shown in the first half of the season. If they can manage to string together wins instead of ties, then an unprecedented third title will be theirs.


On the Fence

Strong Island (4th place, 11pts, -5GD, odds for the title - 12:1)

What the fuck happenned to these guys? A couple weeks ago, it looked like they could win it all. Now, after back-to-back defeats at the hands of Bzzz AFC, they're in a free fall. If Strong Island is going to get themselves back into the thick of things, they have GOT to start scoring goals. Otherwise, they're going to be destined for a relegation battle. Star forward Kieran Clare needs to break out of his slump ASAP if the Guidos are going to have a chance. In the meantime, half a season of scraping out close results finally seems to have caught up with them.


Battle at the Bottom: The Fight to Avoid Relegation

Bzzz AFC (5th place, 9pts, -1GD, odds to be relegated - 3:1)

Thanks to Strong Island, this team is out of the cellar and into the safety zone for now. Can they actually string some results together and manage to stay in Qatar? That's yet to be determined. What's interesting, though, is that on the list of the Top 10 players with the most x11 selections this season, 5 of them play for Bzzz. Clearly, the team has some guys who are playing on a high level, they just need a few more people to step up. With a boost in form from winning their last two games, just maybe, that could be enough to get them over the hump.


Aussie Basements FC (6th place, 8pts, -7GD, odds to be relegated - 4:1

Aside from the stellar play of goalkeeper Thomas Fischer, not much has gone well on the pitch for the Bogans. The team has yet to really gel and play it's best this season. Despite their poor form, manager Joselol just might have a few tricks up his sleeves to keep his side out of relegation.


Oh the Lulz (7th place, 6pts, -6GD, odds to be relegated - 3:2)

This side has done little since their opening game win against Aussie Basements. A win in their upcoming match can pull them off the floor, but with Bzzz AFC in great form and all OtL's momentum headed downward, another loss seems to be in the cards. At this point, relegation looks highly likely.


DOUK City FC (8th place, 5pts, -11GD, odds to be relegated - 2:5)

What is there really to say about this one? As long as manager IggyStar remains AWOL, this team doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell at staying up in a highly competitive Qatar Divison.

Division I Update/Power Rankings

In honor of FIFA's recent decision to award the 2022 World Cup to some shithole desert country the size of Connecticut that has expected gametime temperatures of 105 degrees and NO GODDAMN INFRASTRUCTURE, it seems that Division I has been renamed the Qatar Division instead of BZZZZZZ, which is now assigned to Cruceh's branch of Division II, allowing him to imagine that he never got relegated. Whatever. We have better things to focus our attention on, like the MASSIVE CLUSTERFUCK at the top of /sp/ League three games into the season. Except for Bzzz AFC, which has lost every game it has played so far, each team in Qatar Division has only one win, with just one point separating 1st from 7th place in the standings. Let's see if we can shed some light on who, at this point, really is the strongest. Remember, these are not the standings, they are POWER RANKINGS, a subjective asessment of what teams are stronger. Just because the 1st place team isn't ranked #1 is no reason to bitch and moan and get all butthurt. That being said, here we go...

QATAR DIVISION POWER RANKINGS

1. Mild-Mannered Men - At this point, even though they sit at second place in the standings, Stroyent's squad has got to be considered the favorites until proven otherwise. Their starting eleven is a formidable group of veterans and the manager has what it takes to win it all, because he's done it before. Until they lose a game, there's only one place for MMM to sit, and that's the top.
   
   
2. Strong Island - With a win in their previous match against two-time defending champ Trollchester United, the Guidos are proving that they will be a force to be reckoned with. With ties against MMM and Aussie Basements FC, Strong Island has gone up against three solid teams led by three of the most distinguished managers in /sp/ League and not lost a single game. Strong Island is in it to win it.
   
   
3. Trollchester United - Despite a bit of a hiccup in their narrow loss to Strong Island in the last match, United has proven that they have what it takes to be a dominant team, notably in their 4-0 pounding of an Oh The Lulz side that had simliarly destroyed Aussie Basements the week before. Speaking of proving themselves, Trollchester has done all that and more with their two titles and unmatched five seasons in Division I. D1V3GRA55 has shown himself to be a winner year in and year out, never finishing below 3rd place in any season. On top of that, his team is so fucking old, that this is probably his last shot at glory before a third of the squad retires. Never count out a championship team that's making it's last stand.
   
   
4. Oranje - Yes, this team is still in first place, but they still have a bit to prove before they can be considered worthy of a Top 3 ranking. Their victory came against a Bzzz AFC team that everyone seems to be beating up on this season, so what does that prove? Having had one tie against Trollchester, their other draw is against Oh The Lulz, a team that Troll United beat in dominating fashion. Advantage, Trollchester. Oranje will have to settle for 4th for now, with a great chance to prove their worth in their next match against Mild-Mannered Men.
   
   
5. Aussie Basements FC - After an embarrasing loss to Oh The Lulz made for a disastrous start to the season, the Bogans have steadily improved and re-established themselves as a solid team. Yesterday's shoutout win over DOUK City FC showed that, just maybe, the opening match was an anomaly. Manager Joselol has distingushed himself with titles at the lower divisions and regular selections to the Xpert Eleven team. With momentum in their favor and a strong managerial pedigree, the Aussies are poised to be a contender.
   
   
6. DOUK City FC - Despite the same record as Aussie Basements, City's form seems to be heading in the wrong direction. With the Aussies getting the nod due to their head to head victory over DOUK, City is going to have to shake themselves out of a streak that saw them win their first game, but then tie, and then lose. With their next game away at Trollchester, things might get worse for IggyStar before they get better.
   
   
7. Oh The Lulz - Consistency is the key for this team to improve its ranking. Good teams just don't win easily one week, and then get blown out the next. A tie against Oranje was a good start at finding some stability, but to earn some respect in a tough division, Oh The Lulz will really need to establish a good run of form before anyone can expect them to be for real.
   
   
8. Bzzz AFC - The only team not to get a single point from the first three matches, is Bzzz AFC this season's >Dynosty? Right now, it looks like this side will be nothing more than cannon fodder. How long before Lazy_Student ragequits? Two weeks? Three weeks? Tomorrow?

Qatar Divison Standings

1. Oranje (5p, +4GD)
2. Mild-Mannered Men (5p, +1GD)
3. Strong Island (5p, +1GD)
4. Trollchester United (4p, +3GD)
5. Oh The Lulz (4p, 0GD)
6. DOUK City FC (4p, 0GD)
7. Aussie Basements FC (4p, -3GD)
8. Bzzz AFC (0p, -6GD)

BZZZ Season 5 Preview/ Power Rankings

Aussie Basements FC - This team is currently on a high, finishing in second place in the division last season. The Basements will look to continue their success this year in an attempt to build on the triumphs of last season. Joselol's full 20 player squad shows a good degree of balance, both between FW/MF/D and from old to young. The key to this team's season will be whether the older defenders can prop-up the burgeoning youth movement in the squad.

BZZZ AFC - The Vuvus will look to continue their run of success from last year, after finishing 4th in the division. Their squad has tremendous depth and strength in midfield, with six midfielders in the team of 7 skill or higher. One potential weakness for this team is the defense, which is a bit light and lacks any rising youth players. Expect many teams to try to avert this strong midfield this season, as this part of the squad will be integral to any success BZZZ has.

DOUK City FC- This team will also look to extend its run in the top flight this season, coming off of a 5th place finish last year. This team has great depth in defense and a strong midfield, with no players below 7 skill. However, depth in midfield could be a problem as the season wears on. In order to have any success this season, DOUK will need to keep its midfield healthy.

Mild-Mannered Men- This team, a BZZZ veteran of every season but the first, will look to build on its third place finish last season, after a relegation scare the year before. Stroyent, for the most part, is still using the same group of players he won the title with a few seasons ago. They have become more skilled over time, but they are beginning to age. This could end up being a long-term problem for MMM, but for now, continued success could be expected.

Oh The Lulz- This season, OTL, under the direction of Uptempo, will make its debut in BZZZ after a come-from-behind title capture in >shaw. One potential problem for this squad is that much of its offensive capabilities are propped-up by two 9-skill players, Nicolas McCauley and Earl Chillingworth. Keeping these players producing in the face of the tight marks that are to come is integral to OTL's potential successes this season.

Oranje- Returning from BZZZ after a one season hiatus, BFF's team, now under the direction of J2isWIN, will look to make a splash this season in the top division. The team was promoted by finishing second in 18-1 last season. The squad features many of the same cast of characters that we are all used to from the days of Freebags, but with some new faces as well. Youth phenom, Mark van Bommel, will look to make his impression as one of the /sp/ league's biggest future talents this season. For this team, it will be interesting to see if its aging backline can hold together for another season.

Strong Island- Back to BZZZ by the grace of winning 18-1, the Guidos will look to solidify their place in the top flight this season. Anchored by a squad of veterans, such as Matthew Gillett and Kieran Clare, and burgeoned by youth talents, such as Theodor Schramm, Strong Island has the potential to create a stir in BZZZ this year.

Trollchester United- The only team to have been in BZZZ for all five seasons. The only team to repeat. Defending champions. This team has done it all. However, this squad is starting to age severely, with only 5/18 players under the age of 27. If Divegrass wants a three-peat, he's going to have to reconcile his current squad with the needs of the future.


POWER RANKINGS
1. Mild-Mannered Men - good for one last season
2. Aussie Basements FC - well balanced, good potential
3. Strong Island - well balanced
4. DOUK City - Assuming midfield works out
5. Oranje - Assuming old veteran defenders hang on.
6. Trollchester United - old as fuck
7. BZZZ AFC - prepare to be long-balled
8. Oh the Lulz - still developing

BZZZZZZZ Division Season 3 Update: Fail Bowl I - Dynasty 0, Zeon 0 ...of course

After five games this season, there are so many great stories we could be leading off with. Defending champ Trollchester United is top of the table again, picking up right where it left off, and leading us to belive that, just maybe, last season's title wasnt a total fluke. Promoted side Aussie Basements FC is surprising nobody with their success; they've been winners at every level and BZZZZZZZ is proving to be no exception to the rule. And of course, the resurgent Mild-Mannered Men deserve mention as well, showing themselves to be in the thick of the title hunt as they prove that last season's struggles were an anomaly. Yes, those are all fantastic stories we could be focusing on right now, but that's not what we're gonna' do. Instead we turn our attention to the bottom dwellers of the division, meeting for the first time this season in what could only be termed an exercise in futility...

Dynasty 0 - 0 Principality of Zeon

That scoreline pretty much sums up their entire season thus far, as these two sides are sitting at the bottom of BZZZZZZZ Division right now and yesterday's match shows exactly why. 90 minutes, 6 yellow cards, NO goals. Not only did both sides have their chances to score, but they also each managed to get a goal called back for a petty foul. Zeon lost out when Afshin Sirkonan's 6th minute header off an Irving Sansom cross was nullified when referee George Buske (S2 H9, naturally) ruled that Sirkonan had gained an illegal advantage with a shirt pull of a Dynasty defender. And in the 62nd minute, Dynasty lost out on a potential game-winner when Rogerio Ramalho was called for a foul as he rose above his defender to head the ball past Zeon keeper Hamid Farimani. Clearly, we have a case of two teams that just can't catch a break.

That Dynasty would find themselves in last place at this point in the season probably isn't much of a surprise. Murikan is notorious for starting out slowly, then finally pulling it together. Last season, he managed to finish near the top of the table. Whether or not he can pull off a similar feat remains to be seen, however.

Zeon, on the other hand, has got to be the most colossal disappointment in the history of /sp/ league. In seasons past, Cruceh has perfected the art of the second place finish, but after 5 games, he sits 7th out of 8, with a meager 2 points, ahead of Dynasty only because of a greater total goals scored. Quite simply, results like this are absolutely unacceptable given Cruceh's history of excellence. Why Zeon can't get the results has been the topic of rampant specualation. His side, on paper, is one of /sp/ League's strongest and Cruceh is highly regraded as a brilliant and astute manager. Could it be that he's lost control of the locker room, and his players just won't play for him to the best of their abilities anymore? If something doesn't change, it's only a matter of time before Cruceh ragequits, leaving Murikan as commisioner and dooming our entire league straight to hell. In the meantime, we can only hope that Zeon manage turn things around, but honestly, it is a BIG FUCKING HOLE they are in right now.

Current BZZZZZZZ Division Standings

1. Trollchester United, 12 pts; 2. Aussie Basements FC, 11 pts; 3. Mild-Mannered Men, 10 pts; 4. DOUK City FC, 7 pts; 5. Bzzz AFC, 7 pts; 6. BRETTFAVRES, 4 pts, 7. Principality of Zeon, 2 pts; 8. Dynasty, 2 pts

Player Biographies - Afshin Sirkonan

Afshin Sirkonan plays for /sp/ League club Principality of Zeon and for the Iranian national team. Sirkonan has been a junior national team member since 2006, when he debuted for first professional league season and a member of the Iranian national team since 2009.

In his time with Zeon, he has gained fame and fortune. His play tells it all - 3 seasons, 53 games, 19 goals, 24 assists. This 2 time league MVP has had his ups and downs, and is almost always marked by the opposition. However, he has battled and has the most points ever in the history of the league.

His nicknames include – the new Zidane – in reference to the Algerian playmaker whose role he has inherited at Zeon and "Persian Messi" for his remarkable playmaking and ball handling abilities resembling F.C. Barcelona and Argentina star Lionel Messi. In reference to his game, Sirkonan concluded "My technique and feeling for the ball is the Irianian side to my game. The discipline, attitude and always-give-your-all is the Zeon part."